So much has happened over the past month. I have scarce to take it all in and reflect on the movement and intertwining of God in my present. I feel these words are so immensely inadequate yet I feel this is a good and proper exercise even if it fails to achieve my highest of ambitions.
I will not be able to reflect fully here but I thought it best to do so while in the joy of it all.
…
Hard to believe I am a month and a few days into marriage. A month and a half out of graduating from college. Have moved out of my college house of three years where so much of who I am was formed and cultivated and am now living with my bride in her old place.
Hard to believe I am now starting to realize that my days in San Luis Obispo and California are coming to a close and the days of Elise and I living as one in our new life together are truly beginning.
I think I wondered a lot what this future would bring and what it would look like? Where we would be? What would it look like at this point of time? What would my relationship with God look like? What would I have learned?
And to be honest, I don’t really have those answers readily at my mind. I am still trying in vain to catch up while God presses on with his blessing. I don't know what to do half the time but learn to cling to God a little bit more each day, which is inevitably what marriage brings: every day I am reminded that it comes back to faith reliance and trust in the good God. God is full of blessing and perfect timing yet it is our decision whether or not to trust; and that is difficult at points yet so critical. Every day yields its surprises but relatively it is the same old relationship with God just a little bit more intertwined with others and simple put just more dependent upon God, which is the best place to be and the best place to see him show up and work.
To put it in metaphorical terms ; its as if the light I once cultivated within myself is finally in the process of turning inside out. The mirrors that kept light in are being rotated from inward to outward and in so doing I am finding quite a bit of light and quite a bit of unfamiliarity with the things now easily seen and shown . My interests and mind are divided with all of this new life ahead of me; but it is simply put I am no longer thinking of my little ball of light, but the sharing of that light with my wife and with others which is again a good place to be.
I see myself more every day a sinner, saved by remarkable grace, and in so doing in allowing the ridding of the things which separate me from Him see a truer picture of a glorious God and the joy that continues to grow in my heart.
I continue to find myself in need of ridding myself of expectation and control; finding what God led me into and choosing to accept it for my benefit whether it be within my plan or not: painful or easy to accept. Today’s tomorrow has become an immense fog and mystery, and somehow although it seems contradictory there is largely an overwhelming peace about the steps before Elise and I ( but the occasional doubt) as we are choosing to walk every day in the reality of a good God who gives great gifts and his ultimate joy bestowed becomes more and more infused into our reality.
And my heart becomes more authentic and honest with every step of faith especially those that are immensely painful. Every day of marriage shows me that it is no longer my control that dictates the course of my joy and my future, which oftentimes would end in periods of sadness and depression; but it is God directing my surrender and my progress to bring forth His glory and kingdom. I find myself singing these days writing poetry and music again which has been subdued in lack of joy for a long time.
Marriage brings a more vivid reality. I have realized over the past month that my world is brighter and my senses are more alive. I have found something better than what I had before in the engaged or dating or single period. It is as if I have gone from being on one knee with a ring held out to a period of being on both my knees with joyful tears filling the carpet and wetting the feet of my beloved savior for his immeasurable grace gifts and character.
And one thought sticks out more that most in this time: as I move toward becoming a father I increasingly become a son of God and realize I have little to offer the world apart from the gifts and treasure I have been given by God himself. He is teaching me how to be like him, and bring forth into the world, following in His footsteps.
Marriage is so good. It is a fight every day. But the battle is worth it because what I am fighting for in my wife and bringing forth in God and in his grace and goodness in the world is worth every ounce of effort and exhaustion. I see that now.
Somewhere along these past five years God made me a man, and made me a warrior with motivation and a reason to fight! He gave me joy. Gave me a gift in my wife that I don’t deserve. Refined me to be a blessing…and in so doing blessed me! It’s beautiful to reflect on.
-John Grinstead
