I am here: A manifesto of Stand Firm

I’m grateful for new places and new people: they have in my life given an ability to become new again: no longer constrained by past sins or past ways of living. Through them God always has a way of shaping me into the person I need to be for the moment. Different from who I was and marked more and more by resemblance to the name I bear as a son.

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The fact we are now living in NYC is finally setting in. And the fact we are here for the long haul because of God’s faithfulness and goodness in providing financially with Elise’s new job makes it all that much more real. And makes us continue to really understand that clearly God wants us here.

And in the newness of all of this that I can’t quite articulate yet, I am finding that this time, the people, and the place have given me the ability and freedom to become new again, again.

And in this I am finding endings in beginnings. Things God’s been asking me to end. Things God’s asking me to respond to and begin.

I’ve been hearing God here. He’s been whispering saying “I am here” in the subways depths in the grand cathedrals and the many other places in-between.

I think the words for this blog came tonight from one of those whispers. A whisper of identity (I am) and place (here).When God uttered two words whispered as I stared at the stained glass window Crusader/ Knight in front of the cross in the 18^th century cathedral-like church where Apostles Church meets on Sunday nights.

God whispered authoritatively as I was staring at it tonight:

“Stand Firm”

He wanted to say something intimate. Say be this be no longer who you were. He put in two words with as much authority as “ it is finished” a work that has unfolded over the better course of 3 years or so.

I think God was simply saying tonight "the dark night of your soul ends. Stand firm, the work is done, so take your stand son". The career thing (my dark night) has been used as a deeply intimate instrument in God’s work in me the past 3 years It has become a source of a lot of emotion and thoughts. . Emotional in the sense I’ve felt a very deep anger, depression, and hatred. Thought filled in the sense it has left a lot of unanswered questions, late nights, written expositions etc. And it has created a very muddled and mangled mess of emotions and thoughts. And it hurts to speak or think about in most moments. A general confusion about identity and about my place.

But tonight when God spoke I think what he meant was "I’ve been shaping you for this moment where you will change your misunderstandings of me and see me. Who you view me to be and where you view me to be…because that’s what’s important."

And I think in that stained glass man I saw who God wanted me to be. Who he made me to be.

A wise man I read from often says the most important question we can ask people is which God they believe in? I should have considered this question of his for myself. Because it is not whether we believe or don’t believe it’s who we believe in. Is he good is he wrathful does he make puppets of humanity?

To be honest, if I’m honest, I’ve been misunderstanding and believing in a false god. A god who makes puppets of humanity with nowhere to escape from their God who controls everything. A god who knows who He made humanity and myself to be but wishes a denial without strength from him to do so.

I’ve understood who he is but only in part, I was skeptical of the heart of my maker. God is more than mere morality logic reason, emotions. He is authority. He is always present. In every high and low. But an authority and presence that is the best type of father you could imagine.

God’s been refining my thinking in this larger issue of freewill which ultimately controls my drive, my joy, my trust, my understanding, my willingness, my perception etc. But I find in this new place; the newness is more of an abandon, an all-in-logic-aside type of thing.

My God is a God who gives his children the freedom to stand and join Him in His work. My God is a God who hates sin but dwells and dines among the sinners. Who bled and died .Who will patiently woo for years decades centuries even millennia. Because He has the best in mind.

AND I am a sinner. Who chooses to stand firm in the cross and Christs death on it. And his conquering of it through his resurrection. Standing firm in the fact He is among us. And he’s been screaming against the many noises in the street “I am here” I am here John. I didn’t craft your sinfulness you are choosing it and if you let it continue it will become an even darker night inside your soul. Let not it take its course. The pain was for a purpose. For this joy.

“Stand firm”

J. G. Grinstead

Together

You know those moments. The ones when you hear the voice of God through another human being. I had one of those last night as I was praying with my wife. And they seem to be happening a lot since I’ve moved here. There’s just something about being around an immensity of humanity that allows you to see God clearer in a strange way.

My wife told me yesterday that the transition to NYC has been easy. That is when it hit me:

"You know why? Its been easy because we are doing it together."

And in that little realization as we were lying in bed I saw a whole lot of gospel truth.

I think I’ve been realizing that when two people in marriage, meant to mirror Christ and the church are doing things together it is easy. But when we are alone and apart it is difficult. We weren't meant to live that way!

There can be great power in marriage. There is great power in being of one heart and one mind in decisions and doing life.

Yet we forfeit that so often. Why do we do it?

I think that is what I really came to last night is that if we really wish to do anything with God we need to be together in it. Of one mind and one heart in each decision. In obedience to our great loving Father. And it will be easy. Just like Elise and I doing NYC.

I’ve always wondered what Jesus meant when he said his yoke is easy and his burden light. I think the above statement and the truth in it is what he meant. Its easy when you are co-laboring and doing life together with Jesus. Not so easy when you aren’t.

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As I believe the not having an architecture job phase of my life is ending( this 3 year long endeavor). I think I am realizing maybe it was an issue of obedience. Maybe it was an issue of not being of one heart and one mind with Christ in this area. (that’s another set of blogs in itself) but I know this much…that in NYC I am where I am supposed to be architecture job or no architecture job... and he will continue to handle the admin stuff and tell me which door to go through when that time comes. And its probably not going to look at all like I thought it would look.

I know this is where God has me because it’s easy to be here…and it should be very uncomfortable. But the burden is light with Elise and I here doing this together…and I like doing this together. There is no place else my heart would rather be than with Christ and alongside Elise.

And knowing that…it will be easy…and it will be joyful and full of peace. And it will probably be challenging and difficult and painful at points…but together…with them I feel like I have the power to do anything.

And that’s something wonderful.

-J. G. Grinstead

Unexpected, Yet still in God's plan

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. ⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. ¹⁰ As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, ¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. ¹² You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. ¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD’s renown, for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever.”

-Isaiah 55

I had the pleasure of hearing N.T. Wright speak when he was in town this past week. He spoke on this passage among a few others. It was a fitting passage to speak on for what would transpire over the past few days.

The Lord's ways are not my ways. I have learned this and it should not shock me. But it still does when God continues to move unexpectedly in the unexpected and largely unwritten life he is making for us here in NYC.

In entering into this blank canvas that is NYC, I've been trying to paint what I want things to look like rather than letting things play out as they will. I think I am a bit impatient.

On Sunday morning at 5:30am the day before I was slated to start my trainee/ intern position with an architecture firm here in NYC they sent me an email letting me know that " after much thought and consideration, they do not have a position available at this time." I handled it well on Sunday trusting God that he had something better. But when Monday came and the filling of empty time with errands in Manhattan and knowing I was so close to being in an architecture firm I was more than a little upset. I spent most of the day being a horrible human being.

I think in this whole architecture thing I am learning to trust that God has his hand in things. And nothing really matters besides my relationship with Him and letting that flow into other things... my ways are not his ways a lot of the time..... most of the time...and even this opportunity that disappeared is for His purposes.

I am clueless as to what God is doing. I am okay with that. Because he can handle all the admin stuff. I get to experience the joy of trusting in His providence. He will provide. He is a great father. Things will come in time...when they are supposed to...so we wait. Just in a new place.

-J.G.Grinstead

16 Days

Well, its been a rather eventful 16 days since I last wrote. I hardly can believe all that has transpired in such little time. We have relocated our stuff from Colorado to New York City. I have an internship starting on Monday with an architecture firm and Elise has interviewed for a salaried position with a great company...and is pursuing other leads.

I wanted to take the time since I had it to write. There are so many emotions going on. So many thoughts pouring through my head that its best to organize them.

I will break things down into a couple categories to hopefully organize this for my readers: Money , Jobs/Careers, NYC, and community/church

MONEY:

Elise and I were able to save quite a bit during our first year of marriage in great part due to free rent and living with the parents. Although it wouldn't be my first recommendation for newlyweds I see God used it tremendously to show us the gifts we have in our families and to start off our independence with enough change to get our careers hopefully started without going into any debt. Needless to say we have spent a lot of money to move here more than I have on anything in my whole life! And it is definitely uncomfortable whenever I spend money on myself, I freak out a little. I'm not one to spend on myself unless it comes in a coffee package. And although we have enough to live on for quite a while we are still in tight mode til things become more settled. This means saying no to a lot of things I love and cherish like coffee shop coffee pastries and other things that are now luxury items.

JOBS/CAREERS:

I was offered a 3 mo. unpaid internship with a great architecture firm that could possibly turn into a paid position after my 3 month commitment with them and at least would offer me valuable experience that I don't have on my resume and get my foot in the door to even be considered by other firms in the area...I said yes, it is a great opportunity. I just had to stomach and am still swallowing the fact that I will be paying for the opportunity myself and putting Elise in a position where she needs to make x amount of dollars per month for 3 months to not eat up a significant chunk of our savings. This is not an ideal situation. But that is NYC for you things are as they are nothing is completely ideal especially whenever you have twelve thousand cultures merging in one giant city. Having people involved makes it complicated. But in the words of my boss of my last job where I quit...it is as it is!

But I guess that is probably the big lesson in this whole career job opportunity thing. Life is not perfect but it is how we react to the constraints put around us and how we honor God in these.

NYC

Being in a different culture (our area is largely Jewish and Caribbean black) where communities are so ethnically tied and linked is lonely, nothing is familiar...it is truly like being in another country. Everything becomes about your community because you cling to what is like you. And to be honest it's hard to be the only white people on the subway by the time we reach our stop. But perhaps this too is another great lesson as the letters on our ancient 1918 apartment building showcase " (AMBASSADORS COVRT) " we do not belong here. Here is not our home...heaven is our home. And although Elise and I have finally found a place for all of our stuff...we are still sojourners in a dessert where there is little water and much death.

I am grateful for my little black friend who met me the day we moved in and continues to think I am cool and we exchange fists to say hello in passing. He made my day today.

COMMUNITY/CHURCH

Building upon the loneliness of the city, its been a little bit of a challenge to meet people. Not to mention I don't know how to interact at all with the few cultures around me nor do I even begin to know how to interact with all of the cultures of this city! Church has been a breath of fresh air in all of this. It is nice to see people smiling and willing to meet you and actually converse. It is always a challenge though meeting people and making friends. You have to let things develop over time as they tend to do and see what God has in the opportunities and relationships He places in your path. I am largely rethinking this though...and mission....and other big topics in my life. God is guiding it though and I don't think community and church will look the same as they did in college but I am excited to step into the joy set before me in this and willing to suffer in the initial pain and disappointment that getting plugged in can often cause.

Beyond that I will continue to keep you all updated through this and other things. I am excited to see what the Lord does in the next 16 days. He has already done much in these first 6 of being here in the city. Things move so quickly here!

-J.G.Grinstead