Raw Avoidance

(please read slowly)
Behold, you desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom
-Psalm 51:5

For a long while I've written in metaphors. As if they would somehow offer an explanation to a very complicated reality known as life. When we speak in metaphors we avoid the complexity, truth, the raw emotion and pain that comes from life. WE AVOID GOD COMING IN AND DEALING WITH OUR HEARTS.

The past few months have proved to reveal in me a raw avoidance I have maintained most of my life and a refusal to bring up many issues that deal with my heart. I never let the pain come forth and be dealt with. I've tried for so long to keep everyone out and the pain of the world from affecting me. Building elaborate facades stories and walls that would keep me in my perfect little world. But God desires to make us know wisdom in what we try to hide or unknowingly refuse to let light shine into and change.

The past month or so has been a rather painful one. The metaphors in my life have grown much more complicated, have shattered and have shown just how fragile and unfounded they all are. I'm left with a complexity of issues and heartaches, lots of questions, all silenced by the answer "wait" .

I've been drawn to my knees, I've shed more tears over the sin, the pride, the avoidance of so many things than I ever have.

For the first time perhaps ever in my life I am saying yes to the wisdom God is speaking to my often times hidden heart .
Letting the pain of this life of sin, and my life cripple me in order that God alone may heal me. Letting honesty be the burning coals that disables me from speaking and causes me to fall at my Father's feet weeping.

So I pray " let the bones which you have broken rejoice... sustain me with a willing spirit. May You build the walls where your glory will dwell( psalm 51 paraphrased)"

-JG

1 John 2:12-14

Lesson one, do not hide.
Lesson two, there are right ways to fight
and if you have questions we can talk through the night

So you know who you are and you know what you want
I've been where you're going, and it's not that far
it's too far to walk, but you don't have to run
you get there in time

Lesson three, you're not alone
But since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run
But this will still be your home

So you know who you are and you know what you want
I've been where you're going, and it's not that far
It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run
You get there in time, get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to wish that you were young
When good things are unraveling, bad things come undone
If you ever love or loose your innocence

There will be liars and thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence, but you are not what you do
And when you need it most I have a 100 reasons why I love you

So you know who you are and you know what you want
I've been where you're going, and it's not that far
It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run
You get there in time

So you know who you are and you know what you want
I've been where you're going, and it's not that far
It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run
You get there in time, you get there in time

If you ever love or loose your innocence,
just remember....
Lesson one....

-JARS OF CLAY
Boys( Lesson One)
The long fall back to Earth

1 John 2:

12 I am writing to you, little children,
because your sins are forgiven for his name's sake.
13 I am writing to you, fathers,
because you know him who is from the beginning.
I am writing to you, young men,
because you have overcome the evil one.
I write to you, children,
because you know the Father.
14 I write to you, fathers,
because you know him who is from the beginning.
I write to you, young men,
because you are strong,
and the word of God abides in you,
and you have overcome the evil one.

-JG

Every Spring

Spring and I have an interesting relationship.

I love and hate Spring, there is always major growth that happens within me at this time of year, yet I hate Spring because without fail I always seem to fall apart in it. Different reasons but same general theme every spring.

Maybe that is why I always seem to get an emo haircut around this time. Or have an emo pic as my profile on facebook...who knows?

Nevertheless, I've been through the "season" of spring enough times to no longer be bothered by the falling apart. I expect it every year and I have learned and know by now: the greatest growth in our christian walks happens when we fall apart . So I very much do love Spring but it is still hard in the various processes God uses to break me and mold me into who I was meant to be.

...

Last Spring I begun the quarter brought to my knees by overwhelming revelation via a dream I had during Spring break. Because of it I axed my worship leader position overnight and took a 50 day sabbatical around Easter. I devoted myself to two things: true biblical Communion with Christ and true biblical Community as Church. I cut out everything that didn't matter or didn't line up with the biblical definition. A lot of lessons were learned in that time about what I needed etc. but I left the season largely crippled not knowing what to do with all the knowledge and how it crushed me about who we as a christian community are and how far we are from a biblical definition. I fell apart by what I saw. I was so crushed by what I saw through God's eyes that I began a very uncomfortable and painful process to let God heal all that.

I was telling a friend, one of the few people I went to coffee with that quarter, that if somehow the sweet brokenness and humbleness of realizing we know absolutely nothing that come from such a time as I was having during that spring quarter could be maintained and sustained within the Christian walk we would see something truly wonderful happen in the kingdom of God.

It was probably the Spirit hinting at what was to come within myself a year later by that thought. But, what I thought at that moment would be the gate to a very long path that I still walk a year later. What I thought at that time a great thing for the kingdom of God to know and experience became a great thing for God to teach me personally over the following year in order that I could convey "the way" through his infinite grace.

And I don't say those two words arrogantly but merely speak them as a broken man realizing that the brokenness that comes by being broken put us in full realization of the greatness of God. And that their is great power when we portray God in the emotional wrecks we are are in in those moment. When we begin to be broken with others something incredible happens. What use to be overwhelming distraught,people coming together in it, becomes a great joy and love for one another. It's breathtaking. By God's grace I'm speaking broken and humbly.

God has me remaining in this perpetual state of brokenness and letting the wounds that come in this time due to be used for His purposes and my further growth as a man of God and the further growth of others men of God as well.

Simply this is a call from God for me to swallow my pride "gird my loins like a man" and let the simple act of brokenness be used by God himself as something to build his kingdom.

Oh Spring!

I'll continue to break down, but I'll always remember it is so very purposeful.

So very very purposeful.

JG

Arise

For about two weeks I have been trying to spit out something here:I have come to this same blank page and time and time again the words have alluded my capture.

Tonight at 2 am they come, though: unexpected as Jesus who rose from the grave, strangely beautiful, in this night where light and illumination break through.

For those few that read this: I have not done a great job of keeping up with you, I apologize, the past two weeks have brought me to my knees more than any period of my life and I find myself at my Father's feet.

It's where I have needed to remain. I'm seeing things clearer than I have ever seen before because of it and my heart both skips a beat at the God who loves me enough to wipe every tear from my cheek and yet breaks in the deepest of pains at the sight of a world who knows not He who desires to pull them out of a deceiving and deceptive death.

And in all this Jesus says" I know your agony mixed with my joy child, remain, and do not be afraid. peace be with you. take courage. I strengthen you( Daniel 10:19)"

"I know that there remains no strength in you, and your breath has given way. All this is true life : in all you may consider death. Remember who I am. The unexpected one."

"Arise child, I'm right beside you"

JG