Raw Avoidance

(please read slowly)
Behold, you desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom
-Psalm 51:5

For a long while I've written in metaphors. As if they would somehow offer an explanation to a very complicated reality known as life. When we speak in metaphors we avoid the complexity, truth, the raw emotion and pain that comes from life. WE AVOID GOD COMING IN AND DEALING WITH OUR HEARTS.

The past few months have proved to reveal in me a raw avoidance I have maintained most of my life and a refusal to bring up many issues that deal with my heart. I never let the pain come forth and be dealt with. I've tried for so long to keep everyone out and the pain of the world from affecting me. Building elaborate facades stories and walls that would keep me in my perfect little world. But God desires to make us know wisdom in what we try to hide or unknowingly refuse to let light shine into and change.

The past month or so has been a rather painful one. The metaphors in my life have grown much more complicated, have shattered and have shown just how fragile and unfounded they all are. I'm left with a complexity of issues and heartaches, lots of questions, all silenced by the answer "wait" .

I've been drawn to my knees, I've shed more tears over the sin, the pride, the avoidance of so many things than I ever have.

For the first time perhaps ever in my life I am saying yes to the wisdom God is speaking to my often times hidden heart .
Letting the pain of this life of sin, and my life cripple me in order that God alone may heal me. Letting honesty be the burning coals that disables me from speaking and causes me to fall at my Father's feet weeping.

So I pray " let the bones which you have broken rejoice... sustain me with a willing spirit. May You build the walls where your glory will dwell( psalm 51 paraphrased)"

-JG