I’m grateful for new places and new people: they have in my life given an ability to become new again: no longer constrained by past sins or past ways of living. Through them God always has a way of shaping me into the person I need to be for the moment. Different from who I was and marked more and more by resemblance to the name I bear as a son.
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The fact we are now living in NYC is finally setting in. And the fact we are here for the long haul because of God’s faithfulness and goodness in providing financially with Elise’s new job makes it all that much more real. And makes us continue to really understand that clearly God wants us here.
And in the newness of all of this that I can’t quite articulate yet, I am finding that this time, the people, and the place have given me the ability and freedom to become new again, again.
And in this I am finding endings in beginnings. Things God’s been asking me to end. Things God’s asking me to respond to and begin.
I’ve been hearing God here. He’s been whispering saying “I am here” in the subways depths in the grand cathedrals and the many other places in-between.
I think the words for this blog came tonight from one of those whispers. A whisper of identity (I am) and place (here).When God uttered two words whispered as I stared at the stained glass window Crusader/ Knight in front of the cross in the 18th century cathedral-like church where Apostles Church meets on Sunday nights.
God whispered authoritatively as I was staring at it tonight:
“Stand Firm”
He wanted to say something intimate. Say be this be no longer who you were. He put in two words with as much authority as “ it is finished” a work that has unfolded over the better course of 3 years or so.
I think God was simply saying tonight "the dark night of your soul ends. Stand firm, the work is done, so take your stand son". The career thing (my dark night) has been used as a deeply intimate instrument in God’s work in me the past 3 years It has become a source of a lot of emotion and thoughts. . Emotional in the sense I’ve felt a very deep anger, depression, and hatred. Thought filled in the sense it has left a lot of unanswered questions, late nights, written expositions etc. And it has created a very muddled and mangled mess of emotions and thoughts. And it hurts to speak or think about in most moments. A general confusion about identity and about my place.
But tonight when God spoke I think what he meant was "I’ve been shaping you for this moment where you will change your misunderstandings of me and see me. Who you view me to be and where you view me to be…because that’s what’s important."
And I think in that stained glass man I saw who God wanted me to be. Who he made me to be.
A wise man I read from often says the most important question we can ask people is which God they believe in? I should have considered this question of his for myself. Because it is not whether we believe or don’t believe it’s who we believe in. Is he good is he wrathful does he make puppets of humanity?
To be honest, if I’m honest, I’ve been misunderstanding and believing in a false god. A god who makes puppets of humanity with nowhere to escape from their God who controls everything. A god who knows who He made humanity and myself to be but wishes a denial without strength from him to do so.
I’ve understood who he is but only in part, I was skeptical of the heart of my maker. God is more than mere morality logic reason, emotions. He is authority. He is always present. In every high and low. But an authority and presence that is the best type of father you could imagine.
God’s been refining my thinking in this larger issue of freewill which ultimately controls my drive, my joy, my trust, my understanding, my willingness, my perception etc. But I find in this new place; the newness is more of an abandon, an all-in-logic-aside type of thing.
My God is a God who gives his children the freedom to stand and join Him in His work. My God is a God who hates sin but dwells and dines among the sinners. Who bled and died .Who will patiently woo for years decades centuries even millennia. Because He has the best in mind.
AND I am a sinner. Who chooses to stand firm in the cross and Christs death on it. And his conquering of it through his resurrection. Standing firm in the fact He is among us. And he’s been screaming against the many noises in the street “I am here” I am here John. I didn’t craft your sinfulness you are choosing it and if you let it continue it will become an even darker night inside your soul. Let not it take its course. The pain was for a purpose. For this joy.
“Stand firm”
J. G. Grinstead
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