the morning...

When flames dance and beauty sings
When the heavens open and this heart sings
When in perfect dance and perfect note
When golden reflections start to billow

And these ashes in the middle of the night
They stir like whispering feathers

And candles lit in the dead of night
That would burn to a passion uncontained
With fragrance of incense in the air

A journey on beaches that once were black
Now glowing in the morning break
The night has become the dawn

Under starry skies
A new song has begun to be sung

The morning…
JG

4...2...90

This silence, this ever present shadow
These reflections and this upsetting balance
It creeps into my soul,

Dare I tare myself apart, by not
Dare I be reckless
Dare I throw caution to the wind

This haunting darkness, and this new man
These frightening dreams, and creppy things
It wars against my soul

Dare I be a radical
Dare I transform
Dare I be different

This knowledge that I hold,
And that knowledge I’m to gain
Must it come about this way

Dare I be, what you are calling me to be?
Dare I do and dare I be
the man God has begun to change within me…

Divine Inspiration from unlikely sources

It seems God has a way of revealing the most divine and God given inspiration from the most rediculous things. This weekend God gave me some inspiration from the ducks at Hume Lake. Here's what God taught me through the ducks.

I wrote this in my journal this weekend

" It seems there are times, when you just get it. We finally understand what God has been trying to teach us. Tonight I find myself in that place , It finally makes sense. To think my perspective of Your desire could be so off!"

The thing I understood tonight that I haven't been getting is that I am not supposed to understand, I am not supposed to place plans for God to do.I am not supposed to magically figure it out through my intellect or blogging. He said specifically this weekend "why are you here(1 Kings 19), why are you on your knees asking Me questions, just simply delight John. Forget about understanding fall in love with Me once again, "simply shutup and listen to my whisper".

This was my prayer:

Would you help us comprehend what it means to worship You
‘cause we're blinded by our circumstance
Heal our eyes today

May we know Your love; feel it course through our veins
Encircling our hearts and embracing our souls
We need Your love and grace to remain, to rearrange our hearts
And change the way we praise

And it is finally clicking within me that perhaps this old way of everything is not the new. God is calling me to trust Him and let Him show Himself as Himself and dream the dreams so impossible that they are doomed to failure if God is not in them. That way is the new way, the most beautiful!



Now here is where the ducks come in. Elise and I went on a two three hour hike around Hume Lake and there was this one duck that made me smile something that I was having trouble doing this weekend because of this chaotic mess of thought in my brain. This duck came close to me closer than I had ever been to a duck. This duck was there simply because he had something to do. He wanted to bite himself to get some feathers out in a sense pulling out the undercoat. And in so doing this it made him be in a place and do things he never would do unless he had purpose for being there. I found myself relating to this duck in a lot of ways. I have been trying to rip out this new thing that God is giving me like the duck's undercoat. But the thing is this duck as well as I need this new coat for the winter that is coming, it may be sunny and granted it was glorious this weekend but the night will be frigid.The night is cold and is a forshadowing of the winter that is coming, I am going to need this undercoat to survive.



Don't prevent what God is doing inside of you. Don't go back to the old.In a sense don't rip out the new undercoat that is developing inside of you. There is something I learned this weekend "going means not staying." Don't stay the same! Let God do what He does best...change.

JG

grant us Your desire

Oh the great multitude of confession
that weighs against my soul
in the evening of my momentary weaknesses
in my lack of strength, that peirces in this cold

and to find myself once again entagled in your grace
knowing I am nothing apart from you

Oh the great necessity for repentance
that yearns within my soul
in my words exhorting the Spirit
in this moment giving glory to the King

and to find once again I am entagled in Your grace
knowing I am nothing apart from you
and to find myself once again in full assurance
knowing you are surely faithful to do and be true

oh that You might grant us Your desire
that You alone have made

oh grant us grace to pursue Your face
grant us the grace to see and do
oh that we might desire Your heart
grant us Your desire...

JG

How long?

How long will it be til you see
How long will it be
til you join in the song
The melody of true life

Til every romance?
Til every tear of joy?
Til every display?
and every affection?
and every move?

Tis a realization
Tis a heart full of love
Would you join in the song
The melody of true life

Would he call to you
realizing the extent
Would he shout out
declaring his love

cry to Him
may it never be forced
sing to Him
worthy, worthy

I wait for the extent
I wait for fullness
I wait upon you
I wait upon you

JG

When Silence Falls

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

When hope is lost, I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
And I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

Oh yes, You are good to me
You've always been good to me
So trustworthy

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, and I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You (I will sing to You)
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

How faithful and true
Sustain me through and through
You are hope and truth
You’re my spring of living water
You’re my spring of living water

In the lone hour You are there

Be faithful and true,
Like a spring it never fails,
You're my spring it never fails

God brought me to this song a few days ago. It's funny how God seems to delicatley, intricatly, and beautifully tie everything together into one beautiful tapestry. I sang this particular song the night I decided to switch my purity ring to the right hand. And I find myself with this song being played over an over in my head two months later.

For you who don't know for a long time I believed God had laid out for my life singleness because I believed God to not be the very God He was is and will be forever: a God of healing. Yet Little did I know that God could do everything and more. Here I sit writing a few years down the road from the choice for singleness, two months from the second path I chose: God had transformed me completely from who I was and has given to me someone incredibly beautiful inside and out.

I remember that night I sang this song pretty vividly. Two months from that decision I find myself with the realization of the implications of the new path: this road is not going to be an easy one. Yet I find God acting in nothing less than who He is and I am forever praising Him because He is who He is.

And tonight as I find myself in this place when the silence of this season has truly fallen in every since of the lyrical beauty of that line I find myself in such a different place than I have ever been, a better yet different place.I find myself despite these tears that are falling praising my King because He is so worthy. He is so faithful.

I have so many thoughts swirling and spinning in my head right now, I can't contain them and I can hardly begin to organize them. Yet I know as He continues to sort out this new path that the path will begin to clear of all the chaos and clutter. I know I must be dilegant to let my God who finally sorted out my past path let the new one shine out the clearer. It may be different than any of my glass perseptions of my life. It may be scarier. It may be foreign but I am for the new path, and it's new radical implications.

JG

Some Honest Thoughts

I told Elise a couple days ago I think for the first time I feel overwhelmed. I have no medium to get out these anxious and troubled thoughts. Every move I make I question because there seems to be no more guidance in my life. Which brings me to the troubling thought I stumbled across today: it seems that when we seem to strike a healthy balance another thing comes along that tilts the very balance we just maintained.

I think in a lot of ways I forget a lot of the things God has taught me about faith, love and life.Yet why, I have a friend in heaven who has performed miracles in my own life that I have tangibly seen them, yet somehow I do not believe fully. I have a guide who has sheparded me through many times of dessert and down-trodedness, yet I don't trust. I have a God who is bigger than myself, yet I can only still fit him into my box of perceptions. I have a God who has loved me first, yet I do not love Him in a simple form.

I have been wondering why I can only approach God in tears as of late? It became apparent today in worship, I have forgotten my first love.I have become so consumed with doing things my way that I forgot the necessity and need to surrender.I have been so busy with entertaining people that I forget that you can only entertain so much.I have quested to find answers yet forgot the necessity to no longer question those things that have no necessity of being questioned. I have forgotten. I have simply forgotten.

And now a week late coming back to this blog attempting to finish it up I find myself, suprisingly in the same place. I am constantly battleing these tears when I approach God. I feel so overwhelmed yet amazingly at peace and I don't really know if I can explain it all because my thoughts are a thousand swirling puzzles that are entirely new.

I have entered in a sense a new part of my faith, a new part of my Christian walk and a new part of who I am that I don't think I am ready at all to enter into, yet, God trusts me to enter into this new season. And I feel almost as if I am entering the darkest nights of my soul and I know but I do not trust.

Awaiting

"awaiting eagerly the revalation of our Lord Jesus Christ"
-1 cor 1:7b

I think in a lot of ways things have shifted. That is probably an understatement. Actually I know that is an understatement but it is one of those things that if I were to realize the full extent of how many things actually shifted, I doubt I could handle it all. That is in part why I can't see and have no divine direction for this season. But I think the internal perspective I am gaining is one that I wouldn't trade for anything else. I'm begining to think this perspective I am gaining is the treasure of darkness God promised to me during this season.

It is terribly facinating what my worship is looking like more and more when I come to God needing him so much more than I ever have in a season where I shouldn't be needing him more but I can't help but lean, actually needing him. Tonight I found myself unable to contain my tears because of the whole fact that God desires so desperatley for us to be unified. I see myself as I find myself each day desperatley needing Him, so desperatley. The thing is I can't help cry knowing that God is so good to the undeserving, to me.

I think I feel for the first time in my life like I have nothing to offer anybody except the very good news. Which is as it should be. I found myself tonight asking so many questions about me awaiting the fruition of this internal perspective, what does it all entail? Only the next...will show that.

But although this may be shifted and completley foreign, all of it, I am found in my Savior's arms and that is where I love to be.

I can't help notice though that in a sense with as little perspective as I do have the campus seems to be in an almost anticipation an awaiting to be more accurate, and I can't put my finger on it exacltey but look at your surroundings and tell me you don't see something stirring. This campus is awaiting the secrets and treasures of darkness. I think it is this perspective of simplicity, foundationality, and humbleness that leads to unity.

The most interesting thing is that the picture of Jesus sweating blood as He prayed for us, that image is burned into my mind and the thing is...it is one of the most powerful images I have had in a while. His very blood spilt that we might have a chance to be unified that is so amazing. That was a powerful prayer prayed in Gethsemini .

Understanding through Wine and Cigars

God has been radically transforming my heart over the past few weeks especially last night and I am captivated at this new understanding that I am gaining on some of my long held questions in life. I have always wondered what was the point to wants and desires and what all of us should base our decision making process upon. I think I finally understand it.

For those of you who don't know these past four months I have been prophetically blind as to what God is doing. It has been one of the most intense, crazy, hardest and most difficult seasons I have lived. Yet in it I have learned to trust. Learned to rest secure in my salvation and God's greater plan. I have learned to embrace the fact that we are a body not one man. I have learned to love not lecture. Most important I have learned to rest on the knowledge and understanding God has given and use that alone as the basis of my current decision making process in this season however long it may last.

I think for me all I have learned this season goes back to understanding what true love is. It goes back to focusing on the horizontle plane rather than the verticle for a time. Jesus obviously really didn't mess around in the second half of John 2 He threw over money tables and had a side to him that was frustrated with peoples defiling of His house. In all His infitude and wisdom though as the first part of John 2 talks about He didn't give everything that was absolutley necessary like the wine with His first miracle in Cana. And I look at my way to approaching ministry and I realize that foremost love is patient as 1 corinthians 13 talks about.Love is,yah, not giving people what they want all the time, yet at the same time sometimes it is doing and giving those things you never thought you should give. We should live with smiles on our face, yah, consider the consequences but rest secure that God has you under His wing and will protect you as Isaish talks about. As I corinthians 8 talks about as well in verse 10-12 we are called not to live a ministry of absolute necesssity because it can cause our brothers in Christ to stumble. We are to be not of the culture but always realize that some ways the only way to reach a place is by a necessity of fulfilling desires that arn't necesarrily really necessary.

After I got back from the freshman welcome dinner last night I went out with one of my roomates to a cigar smoking party. As I was sitting there with everyone smoking around the bonfire but me and a few others and how they really didn't have anything to say until they were "buzzed" as they called it. I realized something I never realized before that some men because of circumstance and the way they are need a totally radically different way to get deeper with one another than simply let's get in a circle and talk about our problems. We as christians brothers to them need to be patient and not tear their heart apart. I have used this technique for honestly all my life in getting deeper with men around me but the thing is it can't be this season's response...

I have realized over the past couple days a strong desire within me is just a desire to have some other guy partnering with me in ministry not necessarily someone who I can talk to about anything but rather someone to serve with. I had the oppurtunity to lead with several wonderful men of God over the course of highschool and the bond that is there I know that is what I miss. In my quest to attain oneness with Christ I ended up forgetting the fact I will have all the time with Him in eternity. This life is a season in which we are to focus not only on the vertictle with God but we must focus on the the horinzontle with the people that are here. We don't need a radical new ministry, we need a transformation from the inside out. Realize though when the Spirit is prompting to bless you with sharing in the response of someone else. Never take it into your own hands, though. Never. It robs God the glory He is most certainly due!

JG

Carried to the Table

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

-Carried to the table
Leeland
Sounds and Melodies

Lessons from Reflection upon wine

With the Lord's help I will hopefully be able to get at least the begining of this written tonight...I have been interuppeted in writing this twice now so it is my hope the third attempt will be the charm as they say...
As I continue to write this almost a week later and the periodic edits I am currently sitting at my desk...a new desk,a new place where so many wonderful things will be written over the course of this upcoming and currently continuing year. I am honestly hardly containing my joy at the fact that I have the privledge to be a scribe in a sense to what God is doing here, it is with great joy I pen every word that is here...it with great joy that I recount in the next year what God is going to do!


It seems that God has taught me so much these past few weeks. I feel honestly like I have a list that is a mile long that I could write. Like always, however, I will let the Spirit dictate these hands and let Him move the words through me. It is far shorter and far better that way.

I have been thinking, pondering a lot about the fact of why Christians feel oftentimes powerless to do anything when given a foreign situation. We have a life transforming message but how often do we fully know the extent of the message that we preach. It is much like my childhood... I grew so much because the spirit guided me. Yet little did I know what foundation was being built by the spirits guidance and my actions. We are so unaware of what God's full plan is because I don't think we can wrap our mind around the whole fact that God is so incredible and moving in so many wonderful ways that don't seem like the rituals we seek to cling to, we can't adapt quick enough to this new higher calling. But why? What happened to the days of old when the spirit would leap forth from a place and countless things would be done and changed because of it? I ask myself the question why is something not being done and we as Christians with a radically powerful message are so crippled and powerless.

I think it has every part to do as I heard it said tonight that we are not one. I remember the picture of Christ sweating blood because he was so troubled and praying so atimately for us christians to be one. I have seen over these past weeks fellowship so sweet here but it isn't everywhere here and that troubles me there are still pockets of community not aq big blob of ommunity. We are the body, we are meant to experience fellowship so sweet. We need to as Bush says leave no child behind. Leave no child of the most high alone to fend for himself or herself in a world of ravenous lions. We need to raise them up!

I wonder so often all these questions about initative and should we wait on the Spirit's prompting. Should we trust ourselves when the Spirit is not guiding? Is there really one way to spiritual growth much like the way to heaven? I have so many questions in my mind and it all boils down to the very choices we make. What should determine our choices?

The spirit brought me to John 2 over the past couple days. Reading it over and over again I come to several conclusions about such matters as listed above. I was struck by the whole fact that Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine. Much like Moses' first miracle in Egypt, turning water into blood. I think we can draw a comparision in the fact that in communion remembering Christ and the sacrifice made we must remember that it was all to point out that His death was not a necessity but a gift. Much like the fine wine being given after the poorer wine was given. We see also that Jewish entitlement had a necessity for the blood!

The second thing I pulled out is when Jesus rebukes his mother asking her the question "woman what does this have to do with us? My time has not come" My discerning spirit atomatically picks up a kind of harsh tone. But I think if you look at it ,yeah, it is a rebuke but I think it is different than a lot of the rest of Jesus' questions and teaching in the fact it was made to make her think of something else entirely. The question phrased in this way truly states" my time has not come, why do you push me, God, to give you anything that I haven't given you?" As is shown though he chooses to bless those things which were good and those who submited. Mary was submissive and submited herself to the words Jesus said instead of her own plans.

I think in a lot of ways the only way to seek initative clearly is to submit and let God dictate the show. I've heard it said several times the best thing you can do to a church is fire a bullet into a ministry. I think in a lot of ways the world doesn't need another campus group, it doesn't need anything other than God dictating the show and we being sumissive and one. Jesus was sweating blood the very same blood that saved us when he prayed that we would be one. We should regard His blood highly and that he would shed His very life that we might have an ability to be one...that is something.

JG

Shattering the Glass Perception

To think of expectations
now shattered by my observations
airplanes of old raised to blue heavens
soaring above the green havens

To think of lack of expectations
now shattering these glass perceptions

oh what beauty to know
what was old is now new
This new calm
unknown to the fall

And as I soar, am raised renewed
I am sprinkled by this ever wonderful dew

oh what beauty to know
what was old is now new
This new calm
unknown to the fall