Some Honest Thoughts

I told Elise a couple days ago I think for the first time I feel overwhelmed. I have no medium to get out these anxious and troubled thoughts. Every move I make I question because there seems to be no more guidance in my life. Which brings me to the troubling thought I stumbled across today: it seems that when we seem to strike a healthy balance another thing comes along that tilts the very balance we just maintained.

I think in a lot of ways I forget a lot of the things God has taught me about faith, love and life.Yet why, I have a friend in heaven who has performed miracles in my own life that I have tangibly seen them, yet somehow I do not believe fully. I have a guide who has sheparded me through many times of dessert and down-trodedness, yet I don't trust. I have a God who is bigger than myself, yet I can only still fit him into my box of perceptions. I have a God who has loved me first, yet I do not love Him in a simple form.

I have been wondering why I can only approach God in tears as of late? It became apparent today in worship, I have forgotten my first love.I have become so consumed with doing things my way that I forgot the necessity and need to surrender.I have been so busy with entertaining people that I forget that you can only entertain so much.I have quested to find answers yet forgot the necessity to no longer question those things that have no necessity of being questioned. I have forgotten. I have simply forgotten.

And now a week late coming back to this blog attempting to finish it up I find myself, suprisingly in the same place. I am constantly battleing these tears when I approach God. I feel so overwhelmed yet amazingly at peace and I don't really know if I can explain it all because my thoughts are a thousand swirling puzzles that are entirely new.

I have entered in a sense a new part of my faith, a new part of my Christian walk and a new part of who I am that I don't think I am ready at all to enter into, yet, God trusts me to enter into this new season. And I feel almost as if I am entering the darkest nights of my soul and I know but I do not trust.