Trust

It’s never really all that easy to write about the core of who you are. But nonetheless to write about anything else would be of a lesser or more inconsequential point, God is dealing with the core of me and healing a few things along the way.

And it’s complicated to say the least.

At my core I am an architect and designer. To be doing anything else doesn’t do all that much to give me joy or isn’t really something I can dive into fully. I half-ass it because I can’t really get into it. Which is on par with most employees, sadly. But its because I have known what it is to dive into something so deep, something that sings and is in concert with who I am. And to be doing anything else just feels as if something is missing, as if I have lost my love.

My buddy Landon posted this in his blog:

“If our young men miscarry in their first enterprises, they lose all heart. If the young merchant fails, men say he is ruined. If the finest genius studies at one of our colleges, and is not installed in an office within one year afterwards in the cities or suburbs of Boston or New York, it seems to his friends and to himself that he is right in being disheartened, and in complaining the rest of his life. A sturdy lad from New Hampshire or Vermont, who in turn tries all the professions, who teams it, farms it, peddles, keeps a school, preaches, edits a newspaper, goes to Congress, buys a township, and so forth, in successive years, and always, like a cat, falls on his feet, is worth a hundred of these city dolls. He walks abreast with his days, and feels no shame in not ‘studying a profession,’ for he does not postpone his life, but lives already. He has not one chance, but a hundred chances.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

I think it puts rather well what I have been feeling. And I think from it we can take that the hundred chances are better than the one. As a Christian knowing that God is mightily for us we can be guaranteed he is in our 100’s chances and is in that first enterprise too! But he may have other things to do within that man( in me)in the 100 before he leads him back to the first.

In many respects I am the first man who has miscarried thus far in my enterprise not being installed into an architecture position in New York City as the time approaches the end of within a year. I believe that time will come as God continues to lay the ground work for such a thing. I am confident that my God is for me in giving me to a profession which makes my heart sing and can be an act of worship.

But he does have things to do inbetween that future reality.

I have said before I do not claim to know all that God is doing in this really awkward strange season. But I know the other day He spoke for the first time in a while and said to me.

"THIS IS IMPORTANT JOHN!!!”

…and it is. I can't deny that or logically say this is stupid...As much as I would like to at times! Every moment of this winding path every miniscule detail is important! So I must

Trust in the LORD with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways acknowledging Him, and Him alone making my paths straight through that obedience and trust in WHO HE IS.

-Proverbs 3:5-6 ( loosely translated)

I am learning to acknowledge him. Who he is, trusting in Him and am not leaning on my expectations or my understanding of how it will work out. I am acknowledging Him our great and awesome God. He is in this. I look forward to the day I can look back as I can look back now and say my FATHER in heaven is great and look how he fought for me with a jealous love even against my best ( still faulty and failing) thoughts.

JG