Untitled

It is seldom that I would refuse to name something because I believe it is nice to know what one is looking at in generality...but today I will leave this blog title as Untitled because I believe there to be no structure to what exactley God is doing here. Consequently because of that my writing here will likewise have no structure but I know it all is going to work out for His glory but I can put no thread of commonality between the two. And quite frankly that is really awesome! Thank God that He doesn't work in the common ways that there is creativity in His ways! That in every step that we are able to take through Him we can move in uncertain ways new ways!

The last couple days have def been interesting, def unstructured. I ended up pulling an "all nighter" with the middle schoolers the fri-Sat before I was to fly out on Sunday. A forth of them ended up accepting Christ, about 15 total which was awesome but I do wonder why there seems to be victory over Satan whenever and wherever I go, because after this summer i do not view myself as highly as I once did, I consider myself nothing compared to my Jesus and His spirit within me.

Another interesting thing that happened is I feel so unprepared for this upcoming year because I have no idea what it is going to look like...in a sense I am only dependant on Christ which is a totally honestly new thin, the place I should be always but I feel so weak. I am gaining so much understanding in all this silence and season but how my flesh would trade it for a season of emotional consistency and strength in my own right.

It's interesting now being back at school because in a sense it is so radically different than what I knew last year but I think it is awesome because I need not establish any commonality if I am to truly pursue Jesus Christ. Honestly I feel part of me wanting to simply be babied but as it talks about in the bible I need meat not milk.I know I have entered a new era of my christianity and I need fear nothing beside my Father or get discouraged in anything but this season it is a killer I don't know what is going on I have consistent headaches I feel almost as if something is missing and granted school hasn't started yet and I don't have anything to keep my mind off of things but I am so sick of this season .

My worst fear is the fact that maybe it won't be the same which obviously it is not going to be the same. Things are rekindled but they are themselves a different fire and keep dilgence and more effort to do things. I am so sick of this season once again. Rory comes home today which will be good, I do wonder if the whole kinda funk I am in is because I am not surrounded by non[-christians because I know I have a mission field and that is the whole field I am called to. Perhaps God is clarifying that within me or perhaps he is simply pointed out the necessity for that calling in my life in particular.

Evan and Matt are great and I know they have necessary things to do but I wish they would just come and talk . That is what I will be praying to is that they would simply just come out and talk to me . Because I feel lonely I have always had the ability to ask really good deep questions but I don't think beyond that i have any special abilities with relationships it all seems to flow from who I am and the suckyness I have in relationships.

Or perhaps maybe this is all to draw me to Elise which I am fine with but I know you are not calling me to neglect the guys here in this apartment. It is very difficult to determine your calling in my life and I am quite useless it would seem. I just feel so powerless placed in situations I put myself in but not knowing what exactley it is all about and why you directed me into this place. I am called to delight. Mr. Nee wants me to be still but not anylyze what is going on. I think in gaining this new ground I neglected some of the older. I hate how this is always a balanceing act between the new and the old. Keeping the old but never forgetting the present and rooting outselves in the future. It is so difficult to manage.

I seem to just be ranting maybe because of all of it but I just want to say that I am just so incredibly tired of it all.

I wonder though what exactley this new era will look like but I know it will be good...and that is good but it is very unsettling everything being foreign.

JG