A Lamentation

I was writing in my journal the other night at Starbucks that “ I have no identity left besides the one I find in You, I no longer know who I am”

I found myself tearing up for the first time in a long time in a public place.

My pride has been ripped and torn from me.

I feel and felt so disjointed without it.

But was shown perhaps in that moment a sober picture of what life looks like when we have no other choice but to cling.

I have been praying for a long while that God would “humble me” but without the pain that often is inflicted on others because of a need to.

I believe and hold fast to the idea that He is dealing in such a way with me in this season.

It is quite extraordinary where God takes us. The journey he leads us on. How he fits all these random pieces together to create something to work with.

God has been there in every moment…he has used every weakness struggle friendship(good or bad) my whole life EVERYTHING to bring me to where I am.

I am sobered and humbled by my mistakes and my conscience has lost all confidence in the steps I take now.

I am left vulnerable and where God I believe would like me to be even in its great difficulty.

I feel for the first time in a LONG while grieved over my sin and have nothing but Him. I can boast in nothing than Christ himself and what He did on the cross for me.

I see now more than ever how I was more focused on other’s walk than my own. How I was always so quick to use we rather than I.

And even in this blog I see how I am trying to cling to something other than Him as a source of worth. But it is all I know how to do. I am sin and He alone is righteousness.

I write upon my knees…in desperate hope that God will speak through the spewing of thought emotion and my will at his feet in this way. Declaring what he is doing and not merely numbing myself to what He has been trying to bring me to for so long.

I wrote these words the other day.

“But there is more, a depth worth seeking, and a love worth everything. When my mind and my reason fail and all I have is You I will rest in Your words that Hope is not lost. My lifeline may grow faint but You remain in me. More than reason, deeper than hope, and a love worth everything.

He is worth every death I must die in order to find His life.

To Love alone,
JG