A Longing for Heaven

Have you ever wondered why? I mean simply asked the question? See for me i wonder a lot about why if all these things we think are supposed to make us happy make us unhappy, what really makes us happy? I mean its a good question, naturally you would say that those things that make us unhappy would make us happy. But why? I mean I really can't stand the fact that those things that I do that will make me unhappy will really make me happy in the end. I hate the fact sometimes that mankind is fallen when all I want to do is no longer sin and just experience uninterupted fellowship with God. And you think that desire within me would cause all of the sin in my life to go away. But no I have to be involved in this heavenly battle because Satan decided one day he wanted power. I hate him so much. I want this whole spiritual battle to end I want Satan to be thrown into the lake of fire and I want sorrow to end, I want feeling guilty to go away, I want feeling dirty to go away. Mankinds prediciment really sucks so what should I do not feel guily about sinning because I could say the Devil made me do it. I never want to do that because that just allows him to win this stupid war that he started. The thing is when I sin I ruin my witness and ultimatlety am not showing people God's love because I am being selfish. Ultimatly being selfish is not a good thing. It says in the bible blessed are the peace makers. I don't want war anymore in the world as well in the spiritual realm. I really am just ready to see God, I would never kill myself, but that is where my heart is at. My heart's desire is to see God face to face tell him I'm sorry that this whole war started and that I could not muster up enough faith to call on God and say I need you and finally experience the love that defies everything. God I want to change, but sometimes it is hard and I know you are preparing me for the plans you have for me. I just pray that I can honor you with my life. That I can realize that I need you, and that my only desire is for you. I love you God, I want to be with you. I long for heaven.