There is something deeper than apathy

I have been trying to figure out one of my friends for a long time, what exactley is wrong with him and with the gift of prophecy trying to understand what exactley I need to do to help him. This is come to no avail as of yet, and it quite honestly is begining to frustrate me that one of my best friends here because he can't understand himself is not making the moves into which he should be making to accomplish what he wants to accomplish. I think he understands it more than he knows and doesn't care he is falling in to something deepr than apathy.

I was in his room for about 15 minutes or so and I penned these words: I am going to try to understand them through the following minutes or so. I am going to duke this one out with God tonight. You are more than welcome to follow along through my duking or you can skip to the bottom I'll put something like begin to read here in all caps this is mainly just for me...

Here are my words:

Maybe it was silence
Maybe it was truth
the words you call me to say

upside down this world is
no longer true...its truth

I hate to be silent...but it was to be
That is hard...I feel the beckon

I see purpose
joyous in those things I do

but this one is harder
It forces me to think

It forces me to tune my thoughts
letting the blood come

upside down
you are upside down

This world is upside down

I can't say I have ever written a song upside down before...let alone something that doesn't make sense to me right side up. Normally my words can be interpretted as deeper than my own understanding at the present time but this is deeper and more different than I have wrote. I sit here reading it over and over and I can't understand it at all.

I find that either I am at fault or everyone else is. I think it would be easy to say everyone else is but much harder indeed to say that I am at fault. I believe I probably am somewhere but I can't see it.

Maybe I am selfish. Guillty. Maybe I am prideful. Guilty. Maybe I don't act in accordance with the higest will. Guilty. I don't know I am a sinner, I understand that fully. I have this desire to go to Asia, to do what, there are two different things I could be a great designer or I could be helping people. Should I switch over to construction managment. Then why have I had this desire to be an architect for so long. Why do my major and my desire to help not align as perfectly as I though they would at one point. Maybe its because everything isn't suppose to align as I deem it to be aligned. Maybe the architect upstairs wants a curve here or there to make it more beautiful. He doesn't want to be completely functionable as we see it. God wants to make things beautiful.

Perhaps I am all imagining this God thing, I mean everyone seems to be backsliding, not developing a passion for christ except me. Why do I seem to find such deepness where others don't. There is something much deeper than apathy going on here. What could it be? I have no idea. Why do people like him exist, and what if his purpose is just what I am doing here to strengthen the foundations? Wouldn't God be using people. But God never uses is a bad way. I have all these foundational truths within my head and I see what the principles of christ are and following them how they can help you but I see that if you do not have the holy spirit it doesn't seem to help and even when you do it doesn't completely.

That in lies my frustration I am not frustrated with the non-christians but the christians who no longer want anything deeper or if they do are unwilling to grab hold of it because of the deeper thing than apathy which I haven't quite put a name too. I am so frustrated with all of it. And all these questions plague my mind, and I understand what is coming but perhaps need to understand more before I take certain actions that would never jepordize but may make a dent in the whole beautiful picture but it's still so big the dent doesn't mattter.

Ug! ? ! ? I have no idea. Emo kids, they are very interesting people. They seem to not care. Why? I don't know they don't care enough to give or think about a proper answer. They avoid it with things that come from their emotions. So they let there emotions control them worse than girls often times. I would say I am a healty match of emo and intelectual. But the thing is I still have some balancing to do. The world appears upside down, it need to be either flipped in my direction or I need to do a flip, a 180.

I got to meet this kids friend this weekend it reminded me a lot of my best friend. Perhaps when two people that are pretty much the same...screw this...this isn't working.

Alright I'll go again. I prayer a very odd prayer the other day for him. I prayed that all his stuff would be put on me. I thought if we were supposed to carry our brothers burdens we should pray for that so I did. I have been a little downcast but it has been used for me. Maybe I am being selfish with all this blessing.

Yah that word has changed meanings so much this year. Especially with blessing being crappy circumstances. I am doing something wrong with all my crazy prayer life. I am taking away the blessings of others. I am going to look up that story.

Rocky territory I enter