Rain

I was sitting in my friend friend's room and I couldn't help having my mind drift off with the soft trickle of rain drops falling outside. I guess I have always associated rain with healing being from the dessert of Colorado.However I had never associated it with sadness but in a place where everything is supposed to be so sunny it is so sad how the past can all of the sudden bring sadness and how rain can bring back those thoughts. I'm fine but certain people around me especially that friend whose room I was in I am powerless to help him. The fault is mine.

I got the chance to lead worship in the manner that I did while I was in highschool for an evening of prayer. And I realized one thing I had never realized I am very selfish. I am very lazy. I am afraid of what God has for me. I am in sin in so many areas. The night being defvoted to prayer was an interesting thing especially having me lead worship slash set the "mood for it" because I myself had been restling with the idea of prayer since last quarter. If God knows then why pray I asked? The thing is though that is selfish because we are saying in essence we are not going to sit and listen( we put our will above Gods), and we arn't saying those things that God knows we will. I said to my mom over break prayer is for us, and perhaps God has a bigger plan than even our prayers." If only I listened to myself more often. I so often put up this facade of being hey I can talk the talk but the walk is not there. That is pride. Prayer is for us, because we are so rotten at the core,the problem is we don't give God our time. I was giving God my time last quarter but the right motivation was not there. And although that F is still going to have repercutions in the future and although I hate that I got it God has used it in weird extraordinary ways. Once again I am simply oustounded how God continues to make everything fit together so wonderfully and so not our way it's awesome!

Yet back to the rain, this sadness that seems to be stuck here with, these clouds still looms in my mind. I said that night I lead worship in one of my prayers thank you for the rain God, cause it was such a blessing to play with the trickle of rain drops and worship God through prayer. Yet how now I am so unwilling to do those things that God asks, Fri NIght I was so thankful but now I am not, because it hurts a little for me this rain cloud that seems to have positioned itself over SLO, how retarded am I. I feel like Paul gaining so much ground for God but having so much more to go. I really don't know. All I can do is trust that God is working through everything around me, he has always, I have no reason to doubt he would change his character all of the sudden. All I need do is take the time and pray and be still before God . I must listen to what he wants me to do. I must. This sadness surrounds me and it is our responsibility as christians to be so in touch with the will of God that we are acurate representations of who he was. I am ashamed how there is nothing radical anymore about the cross. It was the most radical thing in human history!

JG