Vanity of Vanities

I have had a problem that has been developing for a while, I have everything! My life is one of pure blessing as I see it.Believe it or not that is a problem. I am called to fear God but all I see him as is a God who bestowes his richest blessing upon me. I pray he would get me to surrender wholly each day but is that the path of blessing I wonder? All I have known Him as is a God who loves, how can I get a God of wrath into my mind when I see God working in every facet of creation and his plan pretty fully most of the time. I understand that God is a God who has infinite character and each aspect of that but I see the next step in my walk as fear and because that is such a radically foreign concept for me it is going to take some reworking of this heart and mind.

I don't really know where to begin other than with the words that Solomon wrote when he was king. In Ecclesiastes he had everything anyone would desire and he had wisdom also but it caused him to look at the world and say" vanity of vanities" to everything he saw. I look around me and feel a lot the same way it only takes me about a week of being back home to be so depressed with the lack of movement here that I coup up in my room trying to pray to the end that there would be movement again, yet that often is to no avail because of the whole free will aspect, that kinda pisses me off. It won't stop me from praying but I am frustrated. Who knows maybe it is out of pride that I speak wanting a change so I can brag about my God and how he used me but the thing is I am only a vessel I am not the hand that moves the vessel. The spirit is that hand!

Back to the fear aspect, that is one of the roots of the problem. I see God working in everything and there is no place where I do not see His hand in and that causes me to beleive that we really don't have any power at all and really shouldn't take initative. I think it is probably more so than most people think but I am way on the otherside of things in that and I wonder is that wrong? When do we know we need to take intitative when the spirit prompts us and we get butterflies? I don't know I know when the spirit has prompted me and I act in accordance with that . I think we should probably do a little more of just listening for the spirit's prompting rather than rushing to do all these things. But like the one thing that my best friend in SLO has taught me don't do something to do it, do something because it actually does count and matter. What matters and counts are two things "the word of God" and "the" souls of men. One must ask themself the question did I spend my day today on both of those. As of late and in this place I am unable easily to do that, that troubles me and pisses me off. I am putting things in motion so I can, but it upsets me greatly that this is not and enviroment where that is easy to do.

I long so desperatly to just have a conversatioin that means something that helps someone and allows them to see the face of God shining whether through me or His word. This place is blessed don't get me wrong I just wish for it's sake it would be more!

JG